Sunday, January 6, 2008

something that spilled out.

this is 100% free-write, whatever came out stayed. no grammar or spelling checks. no logic checks to make sure it makes sense.
dumb? perhaps. Cheesy at parts? for sure.
When attempting to describe one’s self it is always and temptation to focus primarily on positives, which further leads into a downward spiral where you end up not describing yourself, but describing what you wish you were. If that description is written for anything but enjoyment, you are already attemtping to characterize yourself inside the context of the person, institution, or even emotion that has required you to write that description. Another pitfall of the self-description is the laundry list. The person who falls into this trap begins bullet-pointing the different aspects of life that occupy said person’s attention. “who am i? I like: music, books, movies, comic books, cartoons, coca cola, soccer, my pillow, not having to pay for things, being able to pay for things, slippers, naps, kittens, politics,…” When all is said and done, the reader has gained no insight into the true character of the person, but rather knows what to buy them for their birthday.
So how to describe myself…? It’s hard to say I think. If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, well, I think everything else is too. Perhaps you would learn more about me if I told you what I want to be. Maybe that’s the exercise. However, is the reader to assume that I am not the things that I claim to want to be? I don’t know the answer to that.
Perhaps “who” is a more complex idea than we give it credit for.
So who am I? What do I want to be? Who do I want to be? If I don’t know the answer to that, what does that say about me? What does it matter? (wouldn’t be an interesting social experiment to see what becomes of a person who is willing to do anything, but has desire for nothing? Where would such a person end up?) Who knew mere existence could be so complicated?
Well, luckily, I do know.
I want to be intelligent. I want to be respected and loved. I don’t feel the necessity to be loved widely by lots of people, because when it comes right down to it, I don’t respect many opinions. I can’t buy self-love with democracy. I want to be moral. I want to live a lot. I want to be wise. I want to be brave and try lots of things. I want a family. I want to serve the people around me so that life isn’t so hard on them. I want to be a blessing to my family. I want to be ambitious. I want to be above materials and objects. I want to be above the baseness of human existence, focusing rather on the things of life that matter most. I want to see this world it’s peoples and their cultures. I want to find a person who thinks that I’m strong and that supports me when weak, that has an understanding of where I am coming from and how I feel that needn’t be expressed, and in reality cannot be. I want simplicity and grace. I want to have internal serenity that balances me against the chaos of life.
There are probably more. But that’s enough for now. I think that we could probably waste away our entire life thinking about what we want from life. Unfortunately, actually living takes up our time. We have to know what we want instinctively well enough that when faced with decisions we can do a proper analysis of what will bring about said results.
So whatever, or whoever I may be now is merely a vehicle. It is my cocoon. It is my womb, the place where I can develop. The shell that I use to get me to the me that I want. I continuously molt, leaving me behind and hopefully getting closer to a better man. A more complete creature. I can’t recall where I’ve come from, and I can’t fathom who that person will be. But perhaps the day will come when I can meet that me that I want.
the end.
for now.


manda said...

too long. i skimmed.

Version #2 said...

Free writes are worth more than other stuff, you actually say what you want to say.