Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Frustration.

I keep myself pretty busy these days and its starting to bum me out. Hopefully I can get accustomed to a new schedule and stop being a lazy bastard.
I am legitimately hating the current presidential primaries. Initially, they were exciting because things were up in the air- but at this point, i feel as though the primary system does nothing but filter out the truly decent candidates by way of survivor/reality tv style tactics of forming temporary coalitions to take out the strong player. That, combined with the typical political tools of exaggeration and downright lies, guarantees that the laughably insufficient TWO CANDIDATES that we get to choose from come november are NOT the candidates that would be best for the country. (yes, i understand that you CAN vote 3rd party, but thats a topic for another time. and i don't think any third-party supporter out there would really debate that we live in a TWO-PARTY system). and now here we are, facing the national elections which (as of right now) appears to be shaping up to be John McCain vs. Hillary Clinton. Emperor Palpatine of the Galactic Empire vs. that bad lady from Chronicles of Narnia (she represents Satan right?). The primary system has ceased to serve the interest of the american people. However, perhaps people will be able to see that the 2 party system is no longer sufficing to represent the american people. When both the Democratic and Republican parties are so divided that they cannot decided upon ONE OF THEIR OWN to be a candidate for president, it is obvious that the Party cannot truly represent the full body of its members. The other benefit that these primary campaigns may unknowingly bring about is to make people recognize the disproportionate role that media and money currently play in politics. I am SO sick of political analysis telling me who won a debate. Isn't the point of the debate to allow me to hear the candidates and decide who is best for me? I don't need Chris Matthews, Bill O'Reilly, Lou Dobbs (no offense Lou, you know we're bros), or ANYONE else broadcasting from the effing spin room, to tell me why i should disregard the opinions i formed during the debate, because its "obvious" that their man won. How is it that what was last week the election that was going to "change" washington and bring new hope to american politics, has now been divided up between two long time washington professional politicians. the fact that professional politicians even exist in america is a sign of the failing of the american experiment.
I was raised in a patriotic family. some would even go so far as to call it a nationalist family, although i would disagree. and whether you know it or not i consider myself to be a believer in america and subsequently a patriot (the sad part of this statement is that i am squeamish about calling myself a patriot, because the meaning of the word has been so distorted as to imply the person who blindly obeys and is complacently complicit in all of the twisted policies that come out of government these days). I can truly say that i am discontent with the political direction of the nation, and that what i grew up believing in as American and decent has fallen into nothing more but reactionary reality tv on an embarrassingly large scale. It's no wonder i've always loved anarchist thought- it is certainly more reminiscent of what america was founded on than anything we see coming out of our nations 'leaders'.
shameful.
im sure i have more to say about this. but i can't think of anything that won't come out as meaningless complaining. if i can come up with more, you'll see it.
peace.

Monday, January 21, 2008

The Conqueror Worm

LO! 't is a gala night
Within the lonesome latter years.
An angel throng, bewinged, bedight
In veils, and drowned in tears,
Sit in a theatre to see 5
A play of hopes and fears,
While the orchestra breathes fitfully
The music of the spheres.

Mimes, in the form of God on high,
Mutter and mumble low, 10
And hither and thither fly;
Mere puppets they, who come and go
At bidding of vast formless things
That shift the scenery to and fro,
Flapping from out their condor wings 15
Invisible Woe.

That motley drama—oh, be sure
It shall not be forgot!
With its Phantom chased for evermore
By a crowd that seize it not, 20
Through a circle that ever returneth in
To the self-same spot;
And much of Madness, and more of Sin,
And Horror the soul of the plot.

But see amid the mimic rout 25
A crawling shape intrude:
A blood-red thing that writhes from out
The scenic solitude!
It writhes—it writhes!—with mortal pangs
The mimes become its food, 30
And over each quivering form
In human gore imbued.

Out—out are the lights—out all!
And over each quivering form
The curtain, a funeral pall, 35
Comes down with the rush of a storm,
While the angels, all pallid and wan,
Uprising, unveiling, affirm
That the play is the tragedy, "Man,"
And its hero, the Conqueror Worm. 40
-Edgar Allen Poe.
listen to Kill Sadie.
i owe many blog entries. 2 in specific.
-In defence and condemnation of the cool.
-Why I am afraid of space and time.
coming soon.

Sunday, January 6, 2008

something that spilled out.

this is 100% free-write, whatever came out stayed. no grammar or spelling checks. no logic checks to make sure it makes sense.
dumb? perhaps. Cheesy at parts? for sure.
~enjoy~
When attempting to describe one’s self it is always and temptation to focus primarily on positives, which further leads into a downward spiral where you end up not describing yourself, but describing what you wish you were. If that description is written for anything but enjoyment, you are already attemtping to characterize yourself inside the context of the person, institution, or even emotion that has required you to write that description. Another pitfall of the self-description is the laundry list. The person who falls into this trap begins bullet-pointing the different aspects of life that occupy said person’s attention. “who am i? I like: music, books, movies, comic books, cartoons, coca cola, soccer, my pillow, not having to pay for things, being able to pay for things, slippers, naps, kittens, politics,…” When all is said and done, the reader has gained no insight into the true character of the person, but rather knows what to buy them for their birthday.
So how to describe myself…? It’s hard to say I think. If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, well, I think everything else is too. Perhaps you would learn more about me if I told you what I want to be. Maybe that’s the exercise. However, is the reader to assume that I am not the things that I claim to want to be? I don’t know the answer to that.
Perhaps “who” is a more complex idea than we give it credit for.
So who am I? What do I want to be? Who do I want to be? If I don’t know the answer to that, what does that say about me? What does it matter? (wouldn’t be an interesting social experiment to see what becomes of a person who is willing to do anything, but has desire for nothing? Where would such a person end up?) Who knew mere existence could be so complicated?
Well, luckily, I do know.
I want to be intelligent. I want to be respected and loved. I don’t feel the necessity to be loved widely by lots of people, because when it comes right down to it, I don’t respect many opinions. I can’t buy self-love with democracy. I want to be moral. I want to live a lot. I want to be wise. I want to be brave and try lots of things. I want a family. I want to serve the people around me so that life isn’t so hard on them. I want to be a blessing to my family. I want to be ambitious. I want to be above materials and objects. I want to be above the baseness of human existence, focusing rather on the things of life that matter most. I want to see this world it’s peoples and their cultures. I want to find a person who thinks that I’m strong and that supports me when weak, that has an understanding of where I am coming from and how I feel that needn’t be expressed, and in reality cannot be. I want simplicity and grace. I want to have internal serenity that balances me against the chaos of life.
There are probably more. But that’s enough for now. I think that we could probably waste away our entire life thinking about what we want from life. Unfortunately, actually living takes up our time. We have to know what we want instinctively well enough that when faced with decisions we can do a proper analysis of what will bring about said results.
So whatever, or whoever I may be now is merely a vehicle. It is my cocoon. It is my womb, the place where I can develop. The shell that I use to get me to the me that I want. I continuously molt, leaving me behind and hopefully getting closer to a better man. A more complete creature. I can’t recall where I’ve come from, and I can’t fathom who that person will be. But perhaps the day will come when I can meet that me that I want.
the end.
for now.

Friday, January 4, 2008

List.

Things to do tomorrow/today:
sleep.
work on applications.
work on having my criminal record expunged.
call about transcripts.
write a syllabus.
call jason.
read comics.
get more comics.
email girl about tutoring.
set up movie blog.
go to a movie? (anyone??)
eat.
read/write.
pay cable, phone, electricity, rent.

i think thats all.
i hope thats all.
that seems like plenty.
the end.

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

A brief encounter.

i'm home from Christmas break. i think the heater in my room is broken again. sheesh.
here are some things about my life right now:

i hung some pictures in the apartment tonight. they're all terribly off center. don't point it out.

for some reason i seem busy since i've returned home. strange to me.

can i request transcripts via phone?

grad school apps.

writing things.

its nice to be home.

Arsenal is still on top of the league. Carlos Vela and Djourou are coming back from being on loan. Thats good because Van Persie, so rad, is always injured, and Toure is going to the Cup of African Nations. Eduardo is growing on my slowly. He's a killer in the box.

Check back with me tomorrow for less interesting/important updates in a blog about hip hop entitled "in defense (and condemnation) of 'the cool')
until then watch this...with the sound off.



p.s. people say i seem more grown up lately. funny.
p.s.s. kanye west is great, but can't rap. he's a pop star. not a rapper.